Hello, my name is Deanna Fenner and for as long as I can remember change has been a constant in my life. I have faced it time and again, and while some experiences were positive, others were not. Yet, each one has imparted a valuable lesson.
With this being my first blog post I decided not to go into deep and dark details from my past but just focus on the most recent challenge from the past year that inspired me to start writing again.
As a mother, grandmother, caregiver, and someone who struggles with mental health, I've faced my fair share of obstacles. My past includes substance addiction, mental abuse, debilitating migraines, and various mental health diagnoses. Those challenges have given me the rare opportunity to see myself and accept my faults as growth. With that growth I can choose for things to stay the same or reinvent myself, as many times as I like to be truly happy...today is another one of those days.
About 9 months ago my migraines came to an unbearable crescendo of pain, dizziness and weeks of being bedridden most days. I had to do something and consulted my physician who then prescribed me a preventative medicine off label called Topamax. I was hopeful, but as I ramped up the dosage I wasn't seeming to get relief. Instead a muriad of new symptoms, or what I would find out later were side effects, made every day a nightmare. I began to have tremors, severe memory loss, speech issues and phantom smells intermittently through my days.
Finally, I went back in to the doctor fearful of my symptoms as a few were eerily reminiscent of some of my father's MS symptoms. He suggested weaning off the meds and getting an MRI performed on my brain. The results came back as normal but with what the radiologist would call mild white matter chronic small vessel ischemic changes. Of course as many of us do I went straight to google for my own Dr. Fenner diagnosis. After reading many online medical journals and articles I was sure I was about to have a stroke or I was having early onset dementia.
It took WEEKS for the doctor to get back to me to say he has referred me to a neurologist which in turn freaked me out more as no one explained to me what normal with "changes" meant. Once i was finally able to get in and see my new doctor it was explained to me that radiology has a lot of cut and paste terms and the changes mentioned are put in as we reach a certain age....good, I am just getting O-L-D!! Finally resolved, it was on to my reassessing what could be done for my pain. He suggested a once a month injectible called AJOVY and i must say, in the 46 years of suffering I may have found something that helps keep them at bay. I have had only 3-4 migraines in almost 5 months now which is HUGE since i was getting them almost daily since the month of April. My headaches are gone, my memory is back, speech no longer slurred and not have uncontrollable tremors.
Now that I am back to normal I have had a new appreciation for my life and what I want for it. The main thing is ending my fear of others judgement and just be me unapologetically. I plan on taking the bull by the horns and be the silly, weird and carefree self I am wherever I go. I choose to take care of my mind and body in a way that is healthiest for me AND I insist on keeping my mind keen and clear from this day forward.
With that i want to equip myself with new tools for my toolbox, the first establishing consistent habits. I am currently reading the book Atomic Habits by James Clear and although I am merely in only 3 chapters I am taking in a new way of thinking about things. Instead of saying I want to be a writer, a creator or mentor I will with great intention say I AM a writer, I AM a creator and I AM a mentor. I must speak my desires in the world as fact instead of creating self fullfilling pipe dreams.
I AM The Pondering Peacock and I invite you to follow me as I continue to grow through this process and inevitably inspire happiness and growth within others. I'm pretty certain my spirit animal is a peacock which adapts its beautiful plumage to fiercely protect their own and survive in this ever changing and competitive world we live in. It's bright tail feathers to me remind me to never hide my true colors and go forward in the universe with pride. My grandson, and old soul at 4 years old, told me not too long ago that his favorite color is the rainbow. That simple but profound comment reminded me that we all have within us an artist, an expert of our own blank canvas and as such shouldn't fear coloring it bright!!
Keep shining my friends!
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